Suspected of who I am now

II know there's lot of differences between me now, and some years ago. I just don't know how a person can change me a lot. From that day, I always try to find my fault, and so I made my mind to think that I should be a better person. It was some of my hardest days. Graduated from high school is one of the beginning of my life changing situation. I kept myself away from anyone, and I love to spend my time alone. So that I can find peace. Sometimes i think, why do I became like this? Well maybe this is because of one person. I don't wanna be seen, I'm afraid to know new person. I tried to make anyone seeing me as an unseen person. A girl who is not-really-there. So I won't hurt. I just don't wanna feel the same pain. I know, the suspected never really cares. 

You are the suspected

Of who I am today.

Some years are left behind, but you're just so unforgettable. 

My old version

I was putting myself far away before this

Just to make me safe

I went to everywhere alone

I tried to forget anything until i forgot everything

I forgot the place where I belong, I forgot those who always supported me, I forgot everything like nothing is important than me

I always had a me time. I don't care about whatever people say. 

All i know was how to make me feel safe so no one can hurt me.

I was take myself away from anyone. Even for myself

At that time I was thinking about nothing. But, its proven that is the way to make me happier. Well, actually i was even doesnt care about myself. I let the pimple grow, the dirty shoes and the fat belly. 

Its like I was put my heart on a dark room and lock them there. And I throw the key.

I was hiding from anyone. Just because I want to make myself Invisible. I want love find me by this way.

But no, love can't find you when you're invisible.

Now I have understand that love can't find me. So I started to find my soul back. I tried to love myself. I listened to every compliment then I put them as motivation. I always try to be better. To make love find me. I have realized that I was wrong. Don't let yourself lost your path just because of pain that given by someone. Prove him that you're better now. And everyone will deserve a good person to stand behind them. 

Pretty thought

Im on a process into a better person. I'm just preparing the best version of me for the future. Like, you know life is hard. Today you might became the happiest person in the world but, tomorrow you might became the worst person. Life is about ups and downs. I'm on my way into that. I just tried to be more statisfied and thankful for everything that i have now. Life is a world full of problem, and it getting more bitter day by day. So, without a big heart you'll life on a bad day. To relate them, I tried myself to be thankful for everything that i own and i've done. I thank god for every chance, for every fall, and for His blessings. Life is not about find someone who can make you feel better. But its all about yourself. You are the only person that can make yourself happy by thinking about a happy thought. Don't let anyone makes you fall. No one deserves your tears. 

Sometimes you want every person loving you. But no, you can't. Everyone is different and you always some minus. But don't let those who never cares about you ruin your day. Let them go. Put them in the corner of your heart. Keep spreading love to those who deserves it. 

You can't change someone into a better. But you can give them an opinion about being a better person. Let them think, so they will understand.

When you made a mistake, ask for apologize. 

When someone hates you, don't listen to them.

When God gives you a dark, find light

When no one is come to you, upgrade yourself

There is so much thing to do in this world. Its all depends on you. To became a better person on not. To look at the dark or the bright side. Love yourself. Spread love.

This is just so damn me

When You’re The Girl Who Never Falls In Love

Charlotte Green

 

When you’re the one who has crushes, who thinks it might work, who stretches out an imaginary life with someone for years on end, but who never really makes it happen, you know it. You know that there is something wrong with you, that you can’t just have a normal relationship where two people fall into place and everything is happy ever after. Even when someone does fall for you in return, you immediately pull away, so sure that anyone who loves you couldn’t be someone you’d want to be with. Maybe it’s because you never fell in love with yourself, never saw yourself the way others can, never made a real list of all your best qualities and forced yourself to read it. Maybe you thought love was just never in the cards because there are so many better things to do in life — travel, career, friends, new restaurants to try — and you kept putting it off again and again. And now, here you are, older than you thought you would be when you were in your “forever” relationship, and totally alone.

You don’t know how to fall in love. You don’t know what happens after the first few good dates, where it can actually go, except one of two places: Either you desire the person deeply because they withhold everything real for you, or you lose all respect for them because they want to be with you for real. There is never a third option, never a healthy one, never something that you can hold onto. You think you’ve been in love, maybe, but you’ve never really fallen. You’ve never held someone as the both of you let go completely. You ask yourself all the time if you’re missing out, if your friends know that you’re making it up as you go when you’re all talking about the weddings and children and lives with someone that you want. You don’t know if you want it, because you don’t know if it’s possible. You don’t know if anything is particularly wrong with you, you just know that there is a storyline of love that everyone else gets to follow except for you. There is a secret club out there for people who have figured out how to fall in love, and you don’t know the password.

So you keep trying. You sign up for online dating and you let your friends set you up and you hope that one of these days, everything will change and you will get to live the kind of love that you have always imagined will happen in your “adult” life. You keep hoping that you won’t finish your life as the girl who couldn’t find love, as the girl who couldn’t let herself truly fall, the girl who only loved the people she knew would never love her back. Because being alone is okay today, when there is so much else to do, but one day you know you will be tired — and all you’ll want to do is hold someone.

Welcome 17th!

Hi guys! Tomorrow is my birthday, my sweet seventeen well as what many people do i also want to make a wishes, well in this year will be one of a complicated one because i'll graduate from my school and looking for a new collage! The hardest part of gratuate is leaving my friends and cant't see them everyday. So my wishes is may Allah always bless me, my family and my lovely friends so i can celebrate my next birthday with them. The second is i wish that i'll success on everything, graduate from school with a good score, become a collegian on my favorite campus, and i can spend my day on my collage as good as i can. I wish that i'll be better, mature, always focus on doing something and always remember Allah. Well this is my wish on 24th january, just some hours into 25th i have to go to the time machine! Thanks guys see you!!😘😘😘

P.S: for all of my cutest friends ever, thanks because youre all always made my birthday become the unforgettable one! So happy to met you all, i dont know what will my birthday become if i never meet you before! Just wanna saying thanks and always remember that i do really love you all!❤️